Days

I saw a college friend of mine last week at a wedding, and she wanted to hear all about Camille. I filled her in, and after hearing the whole drama-filled saga, she looked at me and said, "Wow, I just can't believe you have such a good attitude about all of this!" I replied something back along the lines of, "Well, I try to, but I certainly have my days."

Days where it makes me sad, and okay, even a little irritated, to hear about everyone else in the world having healthy babies.

Days where I want to scream if I read one more article about some actress and her perfect baby who sleeps through the night at 2 weeks old and never ever cries. I am thinking about canceling my People Magazine subscription for this very reason, but then if I did, what would Jason read?

Days where I have to hold myself back from saying something inappropriate to some lady at the store who, upon hearing that Camille weighs 11 pounds at 7 months, proceeds to tell me how incredibly off-the-charts huge her baby was, and how she just couldn't stop her from growing! And golly, her baby's head was just so darn big, no doubt to hold her incredibly big brain! Seriously, it's happened. More than stinking once.

Days where I am grouchy about having to go to therapy appointment after therapy appointment, and days where I hate being a "regular" in our pediatrician's office. They know my voice when I call now--it's a little embarrassing.

Days where I feel annoyed about having to save up to pay for all of Camille's medical needs and equipment instead of saving up for a vacation.

Days where I feel irritated that Jason and I can't go anywhere by ourselves for any length of time because Camille is g-button fed, and because she still frequently gets inconsolably irritable.

Days where I completely freak out about the future, agonizing about all of the what-ifs. What if Camille never does this or that? What if something happens to me or Jason--who will take care of Camille? What if Henry grows up feeling neglected because we have to focus so much on Camille's needs?

And on these days, I do feel sad, angry, annoyed and overwhelmed. I do wonder "Why me?", and I do think about how "unjust" all of this is.

See there? I can Pity Party with the best of them.

And then I think about the women that want so badly to have a baby and cannot for whatever reason.

Or I think about so many parents who have lost children to illness or accidents.

Or I think about the people in Haiti. Those who have lost so much when they already had so little. And yet, so many there are still praising God for who He is and what He has given them.

And I am humbled. I am reminded that I am very blessed. I am reminded that my life is so good, so rich, so fulfilling.

And most of all, I am reminded of how grateful I am for one tiny little girl who has already taught me such amazing truths in her short little life.