From the Beginning, Part II

I am so sorry that I have not posted in so long. I promise I am not regressing to my former blogging ways where I would let months go by in between posts. I have just had a hard week. Even with all my big talk about trying not to worry about the future and what is to come with Camille, I sure have been doing just that this week. And let me tell you, I am more and more starting to believe that the Internet is evil, especially for parents. I feel like the first year med school student who reads about all of these diseases and thinks that she has every one. I keep finding all of these "syndromes" on the Internet with all of these vague "symptoms", and then I find myself scrutinizing my sweet child and thinking, "She does have prominent eyebrows. Could she have that?" (Oh yes! There are syndromes that have things like long eyelashes as a symptom!) Geez, it's become quite ridiculous--any of us could have half of these syndromes based on the symptoms listed, for crying out loud! I decided last night, after a breakdown in which all of my talk of faith, hope and trust went flying right out the window, that I was imposing a ban on the Internet for myself. And if I hadn't done that myself, Jason sure would have. Then, I spent a long time praying last night, and felt much better this morning. I enjoyed a very special day with both of my precious kiddos, Jason, and my parents, celebrating my birthday. After two of the most horrific months of my life, I actually had one of the best birthdays I can remember. Having my adorable almost-2-year-old come bursting into my bedroom this morning, gleefully shouting, "Happy Birthday, Mama!" was the best gift I have ever received. I am blessed for sure.

We actually had great news on Friday, and so I'm not sure the reason for the little funk I have been in the past few days. The great news was that Camille had gained 8 ounces in a week, and was up to 4 pounds 14 ounces on Friday. Even better was that she reached the 5 pound mark today, on my birthday! God is good! Our pediatrician said on Friday that whatever we were doing, keep doing it! And so we are continuing to feed, feed, feed our little peanut, and she continues to gulp down most of her bottles. She is now drinking 2 ounces at a time most times, which is what most babies her age are doing!

I am really trying not to be psycho about measuring Camille's head, but it's really hard not to want to measure it everyday, several times a day. Crazy, I know. But, it does appear that her head is growing, which is a good sign. PLEASE continue to pray that Camille's head and body grow and grow!

******************************************

Continuing on about my pregnancy and delivery... I know you have been waiting on pins and needles. Sorry for the delay in finishing the story. :)

I ended up going in to see my OB on Monday, June 1 for a regular appointment that I had moved up after my 3D/4D ultrasound where it had appeared as though I had low amniotic fluid levels. My doctor again said that everything looked great, but then I asked him about the possibility of me having low fluid. He said that he doubted that was the case, but would do a quick ultrasound to check anyway. As he started the ultrasound, he and the nurse and I were laughing and joking, and then all of the sudden, he got very quiet. Eventually, he said that it did appear that I had low fluid, although not too dangerously low. Even so, he wanted me to go over the hospital right then to have them monitor the baby for an hour to make sure she was not in stress. Then, he wanted me to come back the next day for a more extensive ultrasound by the ultrasound tech.

I left and called Jason in the car, quite hysterical. He met me over at the hospital, and they hooked the baby up to the monitors. After an hour, they told me I could go home because the baby looked and sounded "wonderful".

My mom came down to watch Henry the next morning, June 2nd, so that Jason and I could go have the ultrasound done. Jason was actually going to go to work, and I was going to go have the ultrasound done by myself because we were really not too worried anymore since everything had looked so great the night before at the hospital. So Jason went to work, but ended up turning around and coming back to go with me, just in case. He just had been driving and had a feeling he should go back and be with me, and I was so glad he did.

The ultrasound tech did the ultrasound and found that either my doctor had mis-measured the night before, or my fluid levels had significantly decreased since the night before, because they were now at a dangerously low level. She also thought the baby was on the small side--she measured 4 pounds, 4 ounces on the ultrasound. My doctor was off that day, and so she went and got another doctor. He came in and told me that I would have to have the baby that day. I was so upset and started crying immediately. He was very, very kind and very sensitive. He reassured me that this was not my fault that this happened, which I had been near hysterical that it was. I kept saying, "But I drink tons of water!" He told me that it was nothing I could have done, and that more than likely the placenta just gave out. (As an aside, I had a follow-up with my regular OB this past week, and I asked him his take on all of this. He agreed with the OB who delivered Camille and our pediatrician that it was likely a bad placenta. Actually, his exact words were, and I quote, "You just had a crappy placenta that crapped out on you." He was very positive about Camille, and thought she would catch up in growth and be just great. I am trying to hold onto his positive outlook, when I feel like everyone else has not been as positive.) Anyway, this OB also said that more than likely, the baby would be just fine since she was 35 weeks. He thought that since she would not be that premature, her lungs would be fine, and she would get to go home with me from the hospital. He told me that he would come over to do the c-section, which I was so grateful for since he had been so great. I felt a little better after his reassurance, and we headed over to the hospital.

I was really, really nervous in the hours before my c-section. One, I did not have a good c-section experience the first time around, so I was obviously nervous about that. But more than that, I was so nervous that something would be wrong with Camille. I just thought that 4 pounds 4 ounces sounded SO small! All of the nurses prepping me for my c-section again commented on how small my belly was. I kept thinking, "If I had a dollar for everytime someone told me that exact thing this pregnancy..."

The c-section actually went really smoothly this time around. I guess it helps to have not been in labor for almost 24 hours before you have one! Anyway, it took them a while to tell us how much Camille weighed after they pulled her out. I remember that I kept asking Jason over and over if we knew her weight yet. When they finally said, "3 pounds, 10 ounces", my heart sunk. I just knew at that point that things were concerning.

They let me see Camille for one second before they took her to the nursery for observation. I didn't get to hold her or even touch her. Little did I know that I wouldn't get to hold her until 5 days later--wow. They moved me to the recovery room, and I kept asking when I would get to see Camille. The nurses were great--they kept reassuring me that she just needed a little help breathing, which was completely normal for a preterm baby, and she would probably be with me by that night.

The hours kept passing by. They moved me to a post-pardom room, and my mom came in to be with me. Finally, Jason called down to the nursery to see what Camille's status was. Our pediatrician was there examining her and he said he would be down in a few minutes to give us a full report.

I will never forget those moments when our pediatrician finally did make it down to talk to us. He was very blunt and straight forward. He said that he had made the call to have Camille flown by helicopter to the NICU at Scott & White. He said that she was just having too much trouble breathing. I asked him if the breathing was the only problem. That was when he told me that not only was she very small for her gestational age, she also had a small head. I asked him what that meant, if that was something to worry about. He said that it was concerning, but that it was too early to be too worried about it. He gave me this whole spiel about how people have small heads all the time, and that small head does not mean small intelligence. I, of course, was still worried, but I was so overwhelmed with everything else that I tried to put that worry aside and focus on the immediate concerns. At that point, I thought that we would just be in the NICU for a few days. I guess it is a good thing that I had no clue that she would be there 4 long weeks.

The helicopter eventually arrived that night, and they wheeled Camille down to see me before loading her on. I saw her from across the room, hooked up to what seemed like hundreds of wires and tubes, enclosed in a giant incubator. She looked so small and so helpless. Jason went down to watch them load her on the helicopter, and I just remember sitting in my hospital bed feeling so overwhelmed with sadness and worry. I knew I wanted to get down to Temple to be with Camille as soon as possible, and so the next day, I begged the OB who delivered Camille, when he came to check on me, to discharge me so that I could go be with her. He agreed to, and so I was discharged less than 24 hours after my c-section. As the transport tech wheeled me out in the wheelchair, I remember thinking that there could be no worse feeling in the world than leaving the hospital after giving birth without a baby.

******************************************

More later on the whole NICU experience. I've got a couple of crazy stories about that. Well, okay, more than a couple, but I'll try to keep the rambling to a minimum.

As another aside, I stopped my OB on his way out the door at my follow-up appointment this past week. We had talked about a lot of things, and he was so very sweet to reassure me about Camille, but I wanted to thank him specifically for not blowing me off when I had asked him about having low fluid levels. He then told me that he was very glad that we had gone ahead and checked because he thought we likely saved Camille's life. Now that's putting things into perspective. Camille may have difficulties in the future, but she is alive. For that, I am so thankful.

Please keep praying for Camille!