The Unknown

Thanks again for all of your amazing support. Jason and I don't know what we would do without the help and support from so many family members, friends, and church family. We have just been overwhelmed with all of the love, thoughtfulness and generosity, and are truly grateful. I have been trying to find some good in this whole difficult experience, and one of the biggest "good" things I have found is that I have been made fully aware of how blessed we are to have the friends and family that we do. We met a family while in the NICU who had a baby born the same day as Camille who was also in the NICU. This family had 7 other young children, though, and no family or close friends to help them out. Plus, they were from out of town, and so they couldn't go back and forth from the hospital to their home like we could. They would just have to sit in the waiting room with their 7 sweet, VERY well-behaved children ALL DAY LONG. Can you imagine?! Our hearts just went out to them!

I know I am risking getting mushy here, but I just have to thank a few people specifically. First, my Mom and Dad have been truly amazing. Jason and I have often talked about how lucky we were to have such wonderful childhoods with such wonderful parents, and how we want to provide that same sort of childhood for Henry and now Camille. My parents have truly gone above and beyond during this time. They have given up so much--essentially dropped everything--including an already paid-for trip to Las Vegas (sorry guys!)--to help us out. They have driven back and forth from Fort Worth to Waco countless times; kept Henry for us and taken him to do so many fun things to keep his spirits up; bought us meals; stocked our refrigerator; and most of all, encouraged us, loved on us, and made us feel better when we were so down. Not only that, but they have done all of this even though I know they are tired, worried, and worn down just as we are, and they have not ever complained or said they could not help with something. Instead, they have just continually asked what more they could do. Wow, I am truly blessed. Thank you, Mom and Dad, for everything. That sounds so trite, but everything is what you have given us, especially these past few weeks.

And I can't leave out my fabulous father-in-law, either. Danny has done the same--he has helped us out in so many countless, invaluable ways. He has made that trek on I-35 a ton of times these past few weeks to come visit us, hang out with Henry, spoil Henry, spoil Henry some more :), help us sort through and make sense of the already mountainous pile of EOBs from our insurance and bills; and so much more. Again, how blessed are we? At the ending of one of my favorite books, a mother has just been reunited with her daughter after thinking she was dead for many years, and she says simply, "My cup overflows." That is the last line of the book, and completely how we feel thinking about our parents.

I have to also mention two friends whose expertise, knowledge, and encouragement has truly been such a gift during this ordeal. Kevin, we have already told you a hundred times, but we don't know what we would have done if we had not been able to call you and ask questions, get clarification, get positive encouragement from such an awesome medical professional as yourself. Kristen, I know you have said that you have felt like you have not done anything for us, but you could not be more wrong. Being able to ask you questions and get encouragement from you as a Speech Pathologist on Camille's eating has been a true God-send. Kevin and Kristen, both of you have found your callings in what you do--that is so very evident to us, and we are so glad you did because we definitely took full advantage of your expertise during this time!

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Camille has done well today. She has been eating okay, better at some times than at others. We have discovered that she eats better during the day than she does at night, which is likely due to the fact that she has got a wonderful, enjoyable, fantastic case of true, classic colic going on right now! Oh yes. As if we did not have enough to deal with, Camille is letting us have it in the evenings. Jason literally looked up at the sky the other night, as Camille was screaming her head off, and said, "Really, God? Really? All this, and we get to deal with colic too?" I just burst out laughing and we laughed until we cried about that. Little stinker will be fine all day--hardly any fussing at all--and then, she turns into a little screamer, albeit a very cute screamer, about 5:00 p.m. She will fuss all. night. long. until about 6:00 a.m. when she will return to her happy, content state until 5:00 p.m. rolls around the next time. She screams as if she is in an immense amount of pain, and we can hear her tummy grumbling and rumbling, but so far, we have not found anything to help with that. I would love to hear suggestions if you have any. So, instead, we just take turns loving on her, walking her around, rocking her, and anything else we can think of to help keep her as comfortable as possible. And that's okay considering we still have a month's worth of holding that we are trying to make up for!

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I think in all of this, I am starting to realize that possibly the hardest part now, most especially for a worrier like me, is that there is still so much that is unknown. I am the type of person who likes to KNOW, and wants to know it NOW. I can't stand waiting to know something. And I absolutely hate surprises, even good surprises. Jason has to go to great lengths to hide my birthday and Christmas gifts because I can't stand staring at a box and not knowing what's inside. It drives me nuts. Now, I am facing the ultimate unknown situation. If there has been one thing that has been consistent about what the doctors have told us about Camille, it is that they simply do not know how she will do. We just have to "wait and see." I hate those words. I hate waiting, I hate wondering, I hate not knowing. But I think that's the way we have to live as followers of Christ. In a devotional that a wise friend sent me recently, there was a quote from My Utmost for His Highest that read: "You have no business to find out where God is leading, the only thing God will explain to you is Himself." As much as I would like to, I don't get to know what God has in store for Camille and for our family. But what I do know--what I do hang onto--is that God is good, and therefore, our future in Him will be also. So I will continue to hold onto that when so much in our lives is uncertain right now. I will try to accept that I cannot know what the future holds for Camille, but that ultimately, it will be good. And while I wait to discover what is in store for us, I will simply try to enjoy the now. I will never have these moments back with Camille. Jason and I feel like we were robbed of so much of the joy surrounding Camille's birth, and I am filled with so much regret about that. I can't get that back--nor can I get back Henry's babyhood either. But I can enjoy every moment of both Henry and Camille now, where we are now, not looking at the future and wondering what it holds, but simply enjoying the blessings of each day.