One of those days

Quick Camille Update first, since I've spent the past few posts blabbing about all of my feelings lately, and plan to do that again on this post. :) Camille is still gaining well. She is now up to 5 pounds 7 ounces. Three more ounces, and she will be 2 pounds more than her birth weight! We are hoping she will be at least 6 pounds by the time we go to her 2 month check-up on August 4. Technically, she will only be 1 month old at her 2 month check-up, which I keep feeling the need to remind myself and everyone else so that it won't sound so bad that she will likely only be 6 pounds then. She continues to eat well most days. I have figured out that if she isn't hungry and doesn't want to eat, it doesn't do any good to try to push her to do so. She has learned to push the bottle out of her mouth, and spit out the milk if she doesn't want it. But if she is hungry, she will gulp the whole thing right down within minutes. It seriously makes me wonder if we spent 3 unnecessary weeks in the NICU because we "couldn't get her to eat", when really, she can eat great when she wants to. Girl just hates a schedule is all. She wants to eat when she wants to eat, and don't we all? She is still struggling with gas/colic/reflux? in the evenings, and sometimes she just grunts and groans all night long like she is in pain. Not sure exactly what that is, but it will be on the list of the gazillion questions I have for our pediatrician at her 2 month appointment. I feel like our pedi is wishing like crazy that this nutty, worrier of a mama never found him. I picture us having the What About Bob? sort of doctor/patient relationship. :)

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Camille enjoyed her first trip up to visit the family in Fort Worth/Arlington yesterday! She hates her car seat, and the car, and so she screamed the entire 1 hour 45 minute drive up there, which was super pleasant for mom, dad and big brother. Henry has been so adorable about Camille ever since she came home. He wants to love on her, and help take care of her, and he is always so concerned about where she is and what she is doing. He says things like, "It's okay, Camille. Don't cry, Camille" when she is crying, and every time he walks into a room with her in it, he says, "Hi Camille!" like it is the most exciting thing in the world to see her, even if he just saw her in a different room 5 minutes before. And he sings to her too! Now, if you have never witnessed a 2 year old little boy singing to his baby sister, you are missing out on one of the most precious things there is. I will try to post a video at some point.

Now, all this to say, I told Jason toward the end of the drive up to DFW yesterday that I thought the "bloom was off the rose" for Henry in regard to Camille. He was looking at her like she was from outer space as she screamed her little head off the.entire.way.there! I was afraid he was going to hurl one of his toys at her! What he doesn't recall, however, is that he did the exact same thing on a lot of our drives to the metroplex when he was a baby. How in the world did I get 2 babies who don't like the car and who won't take a paci? So far, I have not gotten my easy, low-maintenance baby. That was what Camille was supposed to be since Henry was a tad high-maintenance. But she managed to beat him out ten-fold! Truly proof that life is not fair, but I wouldn't trade the cuties I have. Well, except maybe on long car rides.

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Today has been one of those days for me. One of those days where I have let the "What If's" and the "Why Me's" overtake me. One of those days where I have wondered and worried and speculated and questioned. One of those days where I have felt overwhelmed with the possibilities. One of those days where I have thought over and over again, "I.can't.do.this! I can't, I can't, I can't." And so tonight, I ask that in addition to praying for Camille, pray for me. Pray simply for peace.

I was reminded by a friend on Facebook the other day (I am unashamedly addicted to FB) of a passage that has always brought me peace in the past. She sent The Message translation, which is now my favorite version of this scripture.

But now, God's Message, the God who made you in the first place, Jacob,
the One who got you started, Israel:
"Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you.
I've called your name. You're mine.
When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you.
When you're in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you're between a rock and a hard place,
it won't be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior.

God is faithful. He has not left me. There is no need to be afraid.

Peace to you all.