Latest Appointment

Camille had her doctor's appointment regarding her weight-gain-stall today instead of yesterday. I took her in yesterday because that was when our appointment was supposed to be, but our pediatrician had been out of town, and his returning flight got cancelled, so he was not there yesterday. Can you imagine? The nerve! If I were paranoid, I would think he was avoiding us. Jason thinks he was at the PGA tournament. That just made it all the worse. :)

All jokes aside, our pediatrician's office was great about rescheduling us for this afternoon. Camille was weighed again, and she has only gained 5 ounces in 15 days. Our pediatrician's exact words were my exact words on my last post regarding this: "Not good." Since we did switch to the new formula right at the time she stopped gaining as well, that is what we are going to assume made the difference, and so she is going back to the formula we were using before. Since the new formula had not helped make the colic/reflux any better anyway, that's really no big deal to us. Our pediatrician seemed a little doubtful that it could be this new formula causing this since it hasn't caused this in other children, but since it is really broken down, it does go through the body more quickly than others, and so it could be that it is going through Camille so quickly that she is not having time to absorb the calories/nutrients well. That's what we are going to hope the problem is and not something else, like a malabsorbtion disorder. So, we switch back and bring her in again in 2 weeks. If she has still not gained well, we have to start looking at other issues and running other tests. He has been wanting to check her blood work again anyway, so he mentioned that as where he would start if things didn't get better by then.

He thought everything else looked great--I, of course, had a whole new list of worries that I wanted to ask him about since the last time we were there (little things like her joints popping all the time, etc.), and he said that they were all "normal". The hardest part about all of this so far for both me and Jason is that we now feel like we have no clue as to what "normal" is. If any of these things would have happened with Henry, then we would have just dismissed them (well, I probably wouldn't have, but a normal, non-psycho-worrying, non-super-paranoid mom would have), but with Camille, we worry that it is some sign to some awful problem/disorder/syndrome, etc. It's not a fun way to live, and definitely a joy-stealer. We are working on overcoming that, but it's hard.

I just had to share these pictures of my little ones today. I bought an Ergo carrier because I wanted to have something to carry Camille around in while I played with (or chased around) Henry. I tried a sling, but it just didn't work very well. So far, though, the Ergo has been great. Today, while Camille was napping, Henry decided he wanted to ride in it. He thought it was a blast, and I LOVED getting some extra snuggles (we call them "niggles" at our house) from my little boy. Enjoy the pictures!

Henry riding in Camille'e Ergo Carrier. Luckily, he did not mind that it is pink. Please ignore my appearance. Who has time to take a shower before 3:00 p.m. with a toddler and a newborn? Certainly not me! And I promise that Henry really did like the carrier. He just wanted to take the picture himself, and wasn't too pleased when I didn't comply.

Oh the joys of party favor glasses from HEB! Jason calls these Henry's Bono glasses.

My little princess in a 3-month size dress! Yes, I know it swallows her, but so many of her cute summer clothes (that I bought her before she was born) are 3-month size, and I am dying for her to wear them!

Her big brother was "helping" with this particular photo shoot. This is Camille wondering what in the heck he is doing. We wonder that on a daily basis, baby girl. Get used to it. :)

I'm still here (maybe not still sane, but here!)

The title of this post says it all. I know it has been way too long since my last post, but just picture this scene: First, there's the husband/Daddy trying to finish one job and start another one; then there's the very busy almost-two-year old who isn't still for a single second during the day; and, there's a cranky, although cute, little Miss Priss two-month-old who has now decided that sleep is WAY overrated and therefore naps should be limited to absolutely no more than 5 minutes at a time; and of course, finally, there's the frazzled, stressed, worrying Mommy who feels like she cannot keep up with all of this. Or actually, any of this. Yes, be glad you are not us right now. I'm sure if there were a video of our day to day lives at this time, it would look like a train wreck. But, we're still going. And most days, we're still laughing. Mostly laughing at ourselves, but that's okay. There is still joy in all of the chaos, and that's a good thing.

Really, I have sat down to write a new post many times since the last one, and have gotten interrupted every single time. When I saw my aunt Jena last week, Camille was sucking on my pinky finger because as you know, she won't take a paci, but LOVES sucking on Mama's pinky, just like her big brother did when he was her age. Must be genetic, or something. I am now the Internet expert on genetics, you know. Anyway, Jena said that now she knows that when I have not been blogging, it's probably because I am sitting around with my finger in Camille's mouth. That's about right. So you can picture that when you haven't heard from me in a while. Well, it'd probably be a little more accurate to picture me with my finger in Camille's mouth while chasing around Henry, trying to cook dinner (yeah, I'm trying to cook more now too. Stupid, stupid woman!), and trying to make sure our dog isn't doing anything she shouldn't be doing. Did I mention that I have a naughty dog too?

All that to say, we really are doing okay. As far as an update on Camille, it doesn't seem like the new formula (the very broken down protein-based one) is helping too much with the colic/reflux. And, worse than that, it has appeared to really slow down her weight gain. She has only gained about 5 ounces in the past 14 days. Not good. And so, we are going back into the doctor on Tuesday to see what the new game plan is. I know he'll be so happy to see us. After all, it has been a whole 2 weeks.

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On a positive, fun note, Henry has been doing great! He was not feeling good about a week ago--he was really pale, had a low-grade fever, and was just not acting like himself--you know, he was actually sitting still for more than 5 seconds at a time. I was convinced he had some horrible disease, but he is feeling much better now, and is completely back to his old self! He has really gotten to be so much fun these past few months. He is such a chatterbox, and you never know what is going to come out of his mouth! He amazes me everyday at what he says and knows. He has started talking in full sentences, and loves to give you a running commentary on everything he is doing. "I'm going to build a tower, Mommy. I want to talk to Nani, Mommy. I'm going to read a book, Mommy. I peed in the water, Mommy." :) Funny Henry story that I just have to share: our toilet flooded our guest bathroom last week (yes, the Whitts do have incredibly bad luck, and yes we are completely aware of it, and no we do not know what we did to cause it). I had to call the plumber because we couldn't figure out what the problem was. Before the plumber came out, I told Henry that there was someone coming to fix the potty. Later, when the plumber had gotten there, Henry started saying, "Gentleman here to fix the potty?" At first, I could not figure out what in the heck he was saying. Then I realized he was saying "gentleman", but then I couldn't figure out where in the heck he had gotten that. We don't really use that word in our family--we are so not that polite, I guess--but he was saying "gentleman" plain as day. The plumber got a big kick out of that! Since then, he has told everyone that the "gentleman" came out to fix the potty. I'm still trying to figure out how my little "gentleman" came up with that!

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I know that on my last post, I promised that I would tell all of my good NICU stories. And for some reason, I just can't. I don't know what the deal is. I guess I just sometimes don't even want to think about the NICU. I want to pretend that it all just didn't happen. Jason called the NICU "a little slice of hell on earth", and it truly was. While we were there, we saw a few people come back with their babies who had been in the NICU to visit the doctors and nurses who had cared for them. I would look at those people and swear that would never be us--once we left the NICU, we were never coming back. It's not that we weren't grateful for the care that Camille got there. It's just that I have never been in a more stressful, nerve-wracking, negative place in my life. Someday I will do a post on the stories. I want to tell Camille's full story, and that unfortunately includes the NICU. But for now, I still shudder way too much when I think about it.

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I promise to not go so long in between posts again, if I can help it. Now if you'll buy that, I've got some ocean front property in Waco, Texas and a two-month-old who never cries and sleeps wonderfully.

Oh wait.

So far, so good

Camille had her 2 Month Check-Up today. She is technically only 1 month, and so everything was adjusted for that, but we will stay on the typical 2 month, 4 month, 6 month, etc. check-up schedule. The two best pieces of news first: she is now 6 pounds exactly (which means she gained 17 ounces since our last weight check 17 days ago), and her head has grown!

Funny thing (or not so funny, depending how you look at it) about the head measurement (I choose to find it funny because I have found that if I am going to make it through all of this, I am going to have to laugh...A LOT!). The nurse took Camille's measurements, and she thought her head had grown 3 centimeters in the past month. I was so excited about that! I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but it is! So, our pediatrician walks in, and asks about her weight. I told him about her hitting the 6 pound mark, and then I told him about her head too, obviously very excited. He gave me this really doubtful look, and said that he didn't think it could have grown that much in that amount of time. I wanted to say to him, "Look, buddy. I know you are a doctor and all, but let me tell you something. I have done more research on head circumference than anyone on the planet. I am an expert on the subject. In fact, I could probably write a book on it. I would even bet you that I could draw the head circumference growth chart curves for you right now with my eyes closed. YES IT CAN GROW THAT MUCH, AND IT DID!" But instead I said, trying not to grit my teeth, "At our discharge from the NICU, they said it could grow up to a centimeter and a half a week." He then said that yes it could, but he didn't think hers did, and that he would re-measure. I swear if he had reached out and given me a sympathetic pat on the arm right then, I would have decked him. So he remeasured, pulling that stupid measurement thing so tight across Camille's head that I seriously thought he would leave a red mark. And sure enough, he said, "Oh no, see I'm getting that it grew more like 2 centimeters." Really? Couldn't you have just let me think 3 instead of 2? Geez.

But, regardless, he was pleased with the 2 centimeters growth because she grew right on her curve, right at the normal rate of growth. Apparently (and this was all explained to us again today), although it is concerning that Camille's head was small, if it grows on her growth curve, then there is a great chance that she will be fine. A much better predictor of how she will do is "growth along a curve" rather than her head size at birth. That is what everyone across the board has said. If her head stops growing, or drops off the growth curve, then that is concerning. So... so far, so good. Our pediatrician reiterated again today that if her head continues to grow on track like this, then she could be, in his words, "Just as smart as can be." We just have to wait and see if that happens. He said, too, that her muscle tone looked great; she was putting on weight right on track now; and she was doing everything that a 1 month old should be doing. All very good signs. Again, so far, so good.


Other things that happened at the visit (hey, you asked for updates! Hope this doesn't bore you to tears!):

-We changed her formula to a special "colic" formula that is already majorly broken down so that her stomach has less to do and will empty out quicker. He said that all babies struggle somewhat with their immature digestive systems, but that premature and low birthweight babies often do even more. He also said that since she struggled with gas/colic and reflux both, then this should help both of those, since it is easier to digest (for the gas/colic), and empties out of the stomach quicker (so there is less to reflux back up). We are still mixing it 24 calorie, instead of the regular 20 calorie.

-He was concerned about her skin being pale, and therefore, that she was still anemic. She was severely anemic in the NICU, and they had thought they were going to have to do a blood transfusion, which is not uncommon in really preemie babies, but is uncommon in babies born at Camille's age. Basically, even though she was premature, she should not have been that anemic. Our pedi is going to check her blood counts at our next appointment to see how she is doing there. In the meantime, I will try and not google what disastrous things it could mean if she is in fact still anemic.

-She had her first shots today. And I say first because they really were her first. Another botch on the NICU's part. For some reason, they "forgot" to give Camille her shots that all newborns have before leaving the hospital. And that reminds me that I was going to tell all of my fun NICU stories on a post, and forgot. So, I will do that on my next post. Again, hopefully it won't bore you to tears, but I don't think it will. It was like a bad soap opera in a lot of ways. Or a bad Lifetime movie. That's probably a better descriptor.

So, we went home feeling pretty positive. You just can't beat growth in all areas.

So far, so good. I'll just keep repeating that to myself.

False Alarm

It has now been determined that Camille does not need to have an Upper GI Series! She apparently had a similar test in the NICU, and so our pediatrician's partner thinks that would have probably caught anything he would have been looking for in the Upper GI test. Camille has had a VERY hard day--she has been writhing, arching, and screaming in pain all day and has only been able to sleep for about 30 minutes all day. We can hear her reflux rattling around in her throat and chest, and you can hear her stomach churning across the room, so we know she is in pain! Our pediatrician's partner gave us some new things to try tonight, and so far, so good. Camille is asleep for the first time today on our bed. I'm sitting here right beside her watching The Bachelorette finale. I was hoping to corrupt her with this guilty pleasure early, but she was apparently not interested at all, and zonked out. Her Daddy would be so proud, as he absolutely hates that show! I must admit that a big reason that I watch it is to see how many eye rolls I can get out of him during the two hours it's on. His comments under his breath are pretty funny too. Anyway, keep praying for us. Pray that Camille feels better and that she will continue to grow and develop well! You can pray specifically that she will start smiling soon. I am kind of worried that she hasn't really smiled yet--a couple of maybes, and "Was that one? I think it was!"--but maybe once she starts feeling better, she's give us some definitelys!

Another Test

We just found out that Camille is going to have an upper GI series done sometime this week. Our pediatrician is out of town for the week (think I could manage to track him down on his cruise? :) but his partner is concerned about the severity of Camille's reflux (what we think is causing all of the groaning, grunting, arching, fussing, etc.). She has been taking Prevacid since her days in the NICU, and he doesn't want to re-fill her prescription until we find out if what is going on is more serious than reflux.

So please pray for this test, for Camille's pain level (especially since we are apparently stopping the Prevacid until further notice), and for a tired, worried, weary-of-more-tests Mama and Daddy. Ugh..I am just terrified that they will find something else wrong.

Thanks for listening to me in my somewhat discouraged (okay, a lot more discouraged than I have been even writing here) state these past few days. I'll post updates when I know more.

One of those days

Quick Camille Update first, since I've spent the past few posts blabbing about all of my feelings lately, and plan to do that again on this post. :) Camille is still gaining well. She is now up to 5 pounds 7 ounces. Three more ounces, and she will be 2 pounds more than her birth weight! We are hoping she will be at least 6 pounds by the time we go to her 2 month check-up on August 4. Technically, she will only be 1 month old at her 2 month check-up, which I keep feeling the need to remind myself and everyone else so that it won't sound so bad that she will likely only be 6 pounds then. She continues to eat well most days. I have figured out that if she isn't hungry and doesn't want to eat, it doesn't do any good to try to push her to do so. She has learned to push the bottle out of her mouth, and spit out the milk if she doesn't want it. But if she is hungry, she will gulp the whole thing right down within minutes. It seriously makes me wonder if we spent 3 unnecessary weeks in the NICU because we "couldn't get her to eat", when really, she can eat great when she wants to. Girl just hates a schedule is all. She wants to eat when she wants to eat, and don't we all? She is still struggling with gas/colic/reflux? in the evenings, and sometimes she just grunts and groans all night long like she is in pain. Not sure exactly what that is, but it will be on the list of the gazillion questions I have for our pediatrician at her 2 month appointment. I feel like our pedi is wishing like crazy that this nutty, worrier of a mama never found him. I picture us having the What About Bob? sort of doctor/patient relationship. :)

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Camille enjoyed her first trip up to visit the family in Fort Worth/Arlington yesterday! She hates her car seat, and the car, and so she screamed the entire 1 hour 45 minute drive up there, which was super pleasant for mom, dad and big brother. Henry has been so adorable about Camille ever since she came home. He wants to love on her, and help take care of her, and he is always so concerned about where she is and what she is doing. He says things like, "It's okay, Camille. Don't cry, Camille" when she is crying, and every time he walks into a room with her in it, he says, "Hi Camille!" like it is the most exciting thing in the world to see her, even if he just saw her in a different room 5 minutes before. And he sings to her too! Now, if you have never witnessed a 2 year old little boy singing to his baby sister, you are missing out on one of the most precious things there is. I will try to post a video at some point.

Now, all this to say, I told Jason toward the end of the drive up to DFW yesterday that I thought the "bloom was off the rose" for Henry in regard to Camille. He was looking at her like she was from outer space as she screamed her little head off the.entire.way.there! I was afraid he was going to hurl one of his toys at her! What he doesn't recall, however, is that he did the exact same thing on a lot of our drives to the metroplex when he was a baby. How in the world did I get 2 babies who don't like the car and who won't take a paci? So far, I have not gotten my easy, low-maintenance baby. That was what Camille was supposed to be since Henry was a tad high-maintenance. But she managed to beat him out ten-fold! Truly proof that life is not fair, but I wouldn't trade the cuties I have. Well, except maybe on long car rides.

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Today has been one of those days for me. One of those days where I have let the "What If's" and the "Why Me's" overtake me. One of those days where I have wondered and worried and speculated and questioned. One of those days where I have felt overwhelmed with the possibilities. One of those days where I have thought over and over again, "I.can't.do.this! I can't, I can't, I can't." And so tonight, I ask that in addition to praying for Camille, pray for me. Pray simply for peace.

I was reminded by a friend on Facebook the other day (I am unashamedly addicted to FB) of a passage that has always brought me peace in the past. She sent The Message translation, which is now my favorite version of this scripture.

But now, God's Message, the God who made you in the first place, Jacob,
the One who got you started, Israel:
"Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you.
I've called your name. You're mine.
When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you.
When you're in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you're between a rock and a hard place,
it won't be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior.

God is faithful. He has not left me. There is no need to be afraid.

Peace to you all.

Hope

Jason and I read an article today about people who are now "un-doing" their baptisms by holding a "de-baptism" ceremony. No seriously. I'm not joking. It gets better. The ceremony consists of a "priest" using a hair dryer to dry the person being "de-baptized", and then this person receives a certificate stating that he/she is officially "un-baptized". Again, not joking. You can read the article on Baptist Today if you want. Apparently, some people who are now atheists were baptized at some point when they were younger, and now want to totally undo that. They are even sending their "de-baptism" certificates to their former churches, and asking to be completely removed from the "baptized list". This "de-baptism" movement is apparently really picking up speed--it's becoming quite popular on high school and college campuses. Wow.

I truly do not feel judgement, mockery, or disdain for those who are "de-baptizing". I'm sure some Christians might feel those things towards those who are doing this--I honestly just feel overwhelmed with sadness for them. I cannot imagine going through these past 2 months without my faith in Christ. I have said to Jason over and over, "What do people who are not believers do when they are confronted with these sorts of circumstances?" I honestly don't know the answer to that question.

I told a friend the other day that I realized several days after Camille was born that nothing could "fix" this situation. Most situations are fixable. But I think part of my despair in this situation is that I could do nothing; Jason could do nothing; my parents could do nothing; the doctors could do nothing to "fix" this. There wasn't enough money in the world that would "fix" this. There wasn't some VIP who I could call up who could "fix" this. The only One who could "fix" this situation was God.

I don't say that flippantly. I do completely and totally hold out hope that God can and will completely "fix" this situation the way I so desperately want it to be fixed, and give us the miracle we are praying for everyday. And I am going to continue to hope for that because I know that my God is a healer, and He works miracles everyday. I truly do believe that. And I ask that those of you who are reading this will continue to hope for that as well. But even if God does not "fix" this situation in that way, I know He will redeem it. In the end, it will be good.

We have seen this already in our lives recently. As most of you know, Jason has been applying for a full-time academic teaching job at various universities for the past 2 years. He has gotten close to being hired for several positions, but in the end, none have worked out for various reasons. We have often really questioned God in this, and wondered why all of these doors were closing. Actually, we often felt like the doors were getting slammed in our faces. But, we also held onto our faith that God had not failed us; He had not left us; He had not forgotten about us. Some days we had to convince ourselves of that a little more than others. But it was certainly true. This past week, Jason was hired to be the Associate Director of the Institute for Faith and Learning at Baylor. This position is such a great fit in many ways. It is a nice combination of the things that Jason is interested in and good at--administration, academics, ministry. It also allows us to stay in Waco for a while so that we can remain in our house that we love, and more importantly, remain close to our families.

Looking back, we now see that God was simply saying, "Not yet" on those other positions. None of those were right; He had something better planned. And I know He is saying the same thing in this situation. I picture Him saying, "Wait. In the end, there will be something better than you could have ever imagined. And it will be good. In fact, it will be perfect."